Dealing With Teenage Girl Drama

Why Teen Girls Have Trouble Communicating With Each Other

Without proper role models for resolving conflicts, teen girls often resort to ineffective ways of solving interpersonal problems.

Anyone who works with teen girls knows how difficult it can be to sort out their social problems and get to the root of relationship problems. But why do these problems start in the first place?

The Importance of Social Status 

Girls place a high value on their social relationships, and any threat to their standing in a social group can shake their self-esteem. As a result, they will do almost anything to maintain or increase their status in that group. Sometimes that can mean taking sides, spreading gossip, shutting girls out, or any other behavior that keeps them in a “one-up” position.

Social Skills Deficits

Drama builds when problems escalate due to the above behaviors. Without the ability to diffuse conflicts and preserve the fabric of the group, girls resort to the responses they are familiar with. They see a conflict, perceive that their status is at risk, panic, and react.

Poor Role Models

Many girls lack the skills to resolve conflicts in respectful and productive ways. They are often not taught how to do this, and instead must rely on the models of problem-solving that they encounter in their every day life. Tabloid television shows, gossip magazines, and trashy celebrity behavior also help to normalize the idea that public displays of hyped-up conflict are acceptable ways to deal with problems and gain attention at the same time. Unfortunately, our girls are watching, and learning this behavior.

Common Communication Mistakes 

Assumptions and Conclusions

Many problems occur or escalate because girls base their beliefs solely on rumors, body language, and behavior. They can quickly decide that someone is “mad at me” based on a perceived slight or an offhand comment. Or, they may believe that a friend is trash talking them based on a random rumor. Instead of going to the source for verification, they often accept their perception as reality and then respond accordingly.

Taking Sides


Girls often take sides under the pretense of being “supportive”, but often they are using someone else’s conflict as a chance to exert their own power or retaliate for a perceived past injustice. Problems become harder to solve when whole groups of girls begin taking sides in what originated as a conflict between two people. Side conflicts emerge, misunderstanding are rampant, and it can become difficult to tease out and stay focused on the main issue.

“Catastrophizing”

Girls often perceive that problems are worse or more difficult to solve than they really are. Because girls are so emotionally invested in their personal relationships, threats to their status can easily seem like the “end of the world”. The tendency to react disproportionately to the situation also increases the levels of attention and perceived urgency.

 Impulsive Responses

Girls often respond without taking the time to think through their options. Emotional reactions to situations can get in the way of more rational problem-solving. Behaviors such as spreading rumors, making nasty comments, isolating friend, and cutting off friendships escalate problems and heighten the level of “drama”.

In A Nut Shell

The social life of adolescent girls, it is a drama that is inevitable and something they must have. Girls are relational, and their social lives are how they learn to relate with others. It teaches them how to love and nurture others, preparing them for life. It can also be a very dangerous part of an adolescent's life. As I've watched the interactions of girls, pondering my own experiences and trying to make it all make sense; I picked up a few books to see if I could find some ideas. 

One of the books I read on adolescent girls and relationships was "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman. She describes the social interactions of girls, the labels and how they all try to fit on the social ladder. As they strive to climb higher, they often times use negative tactics: gossip, rumors, back-stabbing and manipulation, to climb up another rung. These negative interactions are called relational aggression.

Girls can be sneaky with their talk, they are smart and know how to keep things under the radar. They put themselves in a position that assures their higher place on the ladder, while at the same time hiding themselves in great fear. Girls ultimately fear being rejected; they fear being alone. They will do almost anything to keep themselves on top, or to gain status and climb up the social ladder. They must hide most of their true selves, or else, God forbid, they will plummet to the bottom and become an outcast.

It is all about cliques, who's in and who's out. There is the clique at the top of the ladder, the popular group. Next comes the girls that are on the fringe of the popular clique. After this there are different groups of girls who stay in the middle of the ladder and can't seem to move up at all. Following this are the rest of the girls at the bottom of the ladder, that don't fit in at all, and  are different.

It always surprises me to hang out and talk with some of the girls on the of the more popular groups, they are sweet and honest and fun, and then when you see them with the group, they have suddenly transformed into followers, exclusive and manipulative.

The girls in the middle, mostly resent the girls in the popular group, but when they are around them they turn on the sweet faces (if they don't, they will get bumped to the bottom). The girls at the bottom pretty much keep to themselves. All of these groups, the different kinds of girls, all are defined in "Queen Bees and Wannabes."

Each of with others, the game is on again and they transform. Gossip, rumors, manipulation, exclusivity, and anything that can put them up one rung higher (or keep them at the top). It is all power play; but they have no choice, to risk anything different risks rejection.

I know many of these girls personally, and I know that it is all used as a protective mechanism. I know how it goes, I know what you have to do to either play and stay in the game. If you don't, then, you lose, you're out, game over. They have no choice if they want to fit in and belong.

What are we doing as Housewives that is somehow contributing to this? What are we doing to help prevent it? What are we doing to build our girls' self esteem and help them be all that they can be?

 Know When to Step In. 

 The fact is that some kids will be just plain mean, and many times with girl drama there are hurt feelings and tears. This is unfortunate but true, and you simply cannot step in and rescue your daughter every time something crops up. Instead, you need to monitor the situation, and when things are getting out of control, inappropriate for the age group, or dangerous, then it's time to step in. It's best to talk to your daughter beforehand about what you are going to do and explain exactly why you need to step in at that moment.

 
Sometimes the worst part about the girl drama in pre-teens is sitting around and stressing about it. Spending hours each evening thinking about what happened at school during the day can really be hard, so on days when your daughter has had a particularly trying time, make an effort to take her mind off of things. Take her out to an early evening movie after her homework is done, or treat her to a pedicure or ice cream at the ice cream shop. Getting her involved in extra-curricular activities of some kind can also help your pre-teen to realize that these girl drama issues may really be small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.  The most important thing you can do when raising a pre-teen girl and helping her get through those many trying girl drama episodes is to be there for her, and to make sure she knows you are supporting her completely.

 It is amazing what this little bit of knowledge can do for a pre-teen girl & for us parents.

 

Have A Great Evening HOMC!