Dogs Are A Soul's Best Friend...If You Keep Them. by Housewife Elisha Wooten

Have you ever noticed that people either REALLY love dogs or REALLY hate them? I'm a bipolar dog lover. One minute I will love on one like they're better than a real human and the next I'm putting a for sale sign around it's neck. If you have ever read that guy's book about personalities and colors and standing naked in the shower and what not, you will know that I am a GOLD. I follow the rules, I like things in order, and I like predictability. So let me tell about my history with animals and how they have failed immensely to uphold my expectations of the Gold lady I am. Please do not judge...just laugh at my immaturity and poor judgement skills. No animals were harmed in the making of this story time blog.

I blame the cutesey Hallmark industry for the adorable "Kittens and
Puppies in Teacups" calendars that you see everywhere. It sparked my first desire for my first dog...a Pomeranian. An ex boyfriend got him for me as a Christmas gift. He literally fit in my hands. I assumed he would stay that size forever as in the calendars. I also assumed you could lean over and say, "Go potty" and he would scamper outside and do his thing. SORELY MISTAKEN!! Luckily his "accidents" were the size of quarters but as he grew (which confused me) then so did his messes. I eventually just assumed he had a mental disability or genetic mutation as dogs were SUPPOSE to go outside. Nobody told me that you had to train them. (Please keep in mind this was at age 17 when my frontal lobe was not even close to fully developed. I also thought love would last forever at that age if that gives you a good playing field for my immaturity.)

So, I wanted something different. There had to be smarter dogs out there. I sent the dog to live with my ex's mother and set out to find a better dog. I always thought those West Highland Terriers on the cover of the Cesar Dog Food containers were cute and Toto, from the Wizard of Oz was a terrier and he followed Dorothy through munchkin land with full blown song and dance going on so they MUST be smart dogs. I found a breeder, paid for him, brought him home and thought he was great! He at least used the puppy pad i laid out so I was somewhat happy with that for now. I now knew you had to train them so I was prepared this time but expected things to go a little smoother. I returned from work a few days later to discover he had chewed the wires to our TV and chewed a little hole in the bedroom door as well. He went back to the breeder that night for a refund. I couldn't possibly handle a disobedient dog that was angry and defiant!

Then came the American Stafford-shire Bull Terrier...the show version of a pit. Suspicious that my then boyfriend was in the hillbilly mafia, I wanted a guard dog for when he was not home and of course the infamous Pit came to mind. I picked one out, paid for him, and by day two he had destroyed my entire living room and had my Pomeranian in a choke hold and half his fluff ripped off his neck. I could not handle such a vicious dog. He would surely attack and eat me in my sleep. I thought they were dog friendly and just angry at strangers? Maybe there was something wrong with this dog as well. I took him back to his breeder.

Found an abandoned Alaskan Malamute at a convenient store. Took him home and realized he howled like a wolf and perhaps maybe he WAS a wolf so he quickly got donated to a friend and then...I was all alone again.

I decided that I STILL wanted a dog but maybe I just needed something real small....REAL SMALL. Something that even if he has an accident full grown, it'll be okay and I can clean it up and really work with this new dog to train him properly and he can sit on my lap and watch Judge Judy with me and I'll sneak him in my purse to go to Homeland and we will just be the best of friends. So, I bought a Yorkie...cut to 3 days later when I came home and found him in a diabetic coma. I rushed him to the vet who explained he needed doggy insulin.....yep, you guessed right, he went back too.

I don't know if I ran out of money or finally realized I did not have the patience or time for a dog but I stopped. i went without an animal until about 2 years ago. When my husband's father passed away I surprised my husband with an English Bulldog on Christmas...AGAIN...without doing much research. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say any fancy car or home that a vet owns is probably paid for by Bulldog owners. That puppy had been to the vet more in 2 months than I go to a doctor EVER! Cherry eye, projectile diarrhea, pigtail something, you name it. So here we have a $1500 dog with $1000 in surgeries and vet bills piling up and the scene cuts to me coming home to this lovely scene:

 

In my defense, we had just received full custody of my step son 2 months after we brought Boomer home and I was feeling overwhelmed to say the least. Husband worked odd hours on the ambulance and nobody got to give Boomer much attention so though it broke my husband's heart we found him a new home. I had good intentions but I realized I couldn't mentally handle a puppy whatsoever....Murphy's Law or some shat.

 Then there was Luke...He wandered up during a storm. I never intended to keep him but he ended up staying for a few months until I found the sweetest old lady to take him. I felt good about that transaction I can finally admit. 

Then there were 2 stray kittens that my mother in law decided to send home with us one weekend. They lasted about a month and then the new wore off and the kids stopped playing with them and then I suddenly realized they had claws and knew how to use them on my furniture despite all the scratching posts I had bought. They also liked to jump on the counters and chew the nipples off Greyson's bottles. They found a good home as well.

So by now you're probably thinking, "What is wrong with her? Why does she not like animals?"  I cannot answer that. I don't even like my own family or husband some days. I equate my relationship with animals much like my relationship with makeup or bras. You spend tons of money going through different kinds until one day, you find the right fit, the right shade, the right EVERYTHING and it just works....and I do NOT get tired of great makeup and great support. I have learned I cannot do PUPPIES and I cannot do hyper.

 So imagine my surprise when this little guy came home with my husband a week or so ago:

and guess what?

 I LOOOOVE HIM! Everyone, meet Moose. He sleeps, he walks slow, he knows TRICKS!, he uses the bathroom outside, he takes the trash out, he even babysits occasionally. I love him so much already that I can bet you he will end up on our Christmas cards this year. I have heard people go on and on about Bullies and I was all hyped up as well, until I had one...as a  puppy and in need of so much surgery. If I had been smart a long time ago, I would have just bought a full grown Bully already trained with all his surgeries. Now all I have to do is love on him and wait til hip dysplasia sets in and save up for that vet bill. That's it! Works all done for me!

I told you my deep dark past of dogs to tell you that it IS possible to find a perfect match. My advice is NO PUPPIES and NO ENERGY! If that seems like your kind of fit, then a Bully may be right for you! Or a goldfish.........